im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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