I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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