She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
