nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
