that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
