I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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