We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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