even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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