my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
