i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
