You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
