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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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