And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
