i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
