I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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