why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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