For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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