just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
FUCK WHALES
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
