so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
