Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
