I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
