pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
