he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
