I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
