dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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