maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
