Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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