its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
