your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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