ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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