If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
