ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
