Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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