She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
