Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it was like eating out sand paper
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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