its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
