i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
