Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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