I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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