he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
