It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
