Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
