I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
