If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
