I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
