My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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