I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
