I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Buhtt sex?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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