The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize