I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
either way he was missing a nipple.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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