she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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