I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
