my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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