I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
