I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
