Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
