my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
