DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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