To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
