Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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