why didn't you poke me back
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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