Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
