smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
