someone threw a dead crab at me
I want to walk on stilts...naked
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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