i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
