I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
