Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
