In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We left the knife in your bed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
COCAINE IS GR8
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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