My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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